Too long has passed since I published my journey, so much has unfolded on this climb to new depth. I pledge to you though that the procrastination is over and I will update my travels on here with a good pace. I’ve missed revisiting my wondrous experiences and want first to share a part of what led to this grand adventure.
I have been writing my book of tales and mythologies, creating magic with the words of life, part of the story to follow a glimpse of the path which led to the grand experience world wide.
Dialogue from my book Traveller Destiny:
Chapter 1: Torture
“Embrace the glorious mess that you are” – Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat, Pray, Love
It was August 2014: Bliss, unlike any other, flying freely through the breeze, there is nothing like riding feels. I’m speeding on my metallic royal blue Ninja (motorbike), wishing from the deepest core of myself, that everything will go well. Despite my focus on the road and the euphoria riding brings me, there is a tinge of fluttering of wings in the pit of my stomach. It’s been three months since we have had any communication, thinking to myself “what if he has a girlfriend?” As I get closer to his place I thankfully manage to talk some sense into Candy (my ego), remembering that I’m simply dropping off the DVD and then leaving, oh and maybe using the toilet. Last time we spoke I was so mad, at myself, questioning why I allowed the fantasy to keep playing in my head, when deep down I know we are meant for other people, I always knew. I can’t regret or not appreciate the time spent together though, both the great highs and the challenging lows.
I pull up to the unit block and the fluttering returns, slowing my breathing to desperately hold onto my calm. I commit to not getting on the boat named Fantasy, which has conveniently anchored itself next to Candy. Step by step the door gets closer, like a curious cat waiting for a chance to attack its victim or defend its fur. Somewhere between the first and third floor, a mind fog floats in the dream;
We are hanging out on a sunny day, so at ease, chatting and laughing, with a grassy hill nearby. After getting some fish and chips and eating them on the hill, he kneels down in front of me and pulls out a ring, as the words sing, joyous to my ears and fill me with such happiness, my answer not what I had expected. He picks me up and spins me around so gleeful and free.
I had startled awake in a daze that day and as reality set in dread shortly followed it, accompanied by utter confusion, “Since when did I become so certain I would say YES?” I always had doubt; we weren’t even together, at that time.
At the top of the stairs, I turn the corner and force myself to knock on the door, semi hoping he isn’t home. I can hear noises and surely enough he (who will now be named RK1) opened the door, same cute chubby face with those pouty lips and stubble, all comfy and ruffled, a bit shocked to see me, so I quickly handed RK1 the DVD and asked to use the rest room.
As I walk into the lounge room, I see him sitting on a foot rest next to the couch, with such a serious but puppy dog saddened look in his eyes. I stand in silence coaxing myself to breath and demanding my ego behaves and allows me to leave as soon as possible. In a soft, shaky voice he asks if we can chat. How can I say no? As I sit on the other foot rest a metre away from him, RK1 proceeds to express how worried he has been about me and I arc up defending my independence and capability to care for myself, trying to remain emotionally distant from him. The conversation leads to small talk and I begin to relax after talking about the trip I am planning for next year around Europe and to Egypt and other countries, then noticing the time I jump up and explain I need to go and get dinner, hoping there is enough time. RK1 kindly offers his food and hospitality as he always had and enquires about what I would like. With a little smirk and Candy grinning her evil smile image in my mind, I hesitate and suggest it’s not a good idea gratefully, but knowing how this trap has worked before. He explains it’s OK if I stay over and not to worry about being tired after dinner. I cave and RK1 starts preparing dinner for me, as he has already eaten and then offering my choice of entertainment, while I wait. I request a few series we had been partially through watching and he explains he watched them alone, as he thought he would never see me again after the last time we spoke.
Memory; I’m waiting at the bus stop in the city after a challenging and stressful day at work, worrying about mum after her last chemo treatment and that dream from this morning plaguing me. I thought I had let go of him after everything that’s happened this year: totalling the car in January, us nearly getting back together and him running away scared again, me meeting other people and deciding I was moving on. With this overwhelming confusion I pledged to give him one last chance, so I rang him and asked how his day was. RK1’s day wasn’t good, which is the usual but I hoped he wasn’t in a bad mood, so I continued to chat and explained my struggle, offering that I was giving this final chance to any unresolved feelings (in reflection not the best way to go about it) and just as I had feared, it became an argument about how selfish I was and how I was creating a drama and needed to get over it. I also bashfully told him that the guy I had been seeing wanted nothing to do with me after finding out about me and RK1 sleeping together four weeks ago. I can’t even remember who hung up first or ended the conversation but I was balling my eyes out on the bus and had a huge painful lump in my throat, it was like the whole world was crashing down on me or on Candy who liked to create an apocalyptic story about our pain. After I calmed down the realisation dawned on me that this was the final time either of us would hold the other back from moving on, it had already been two and a half years of games and heart ache, since we had agreed to end the relationship. So I text him and felt awful for expressing anger I no longer felt, feeling I had to be tough for it to stick. I even stated that if I called crying about mum and she was gone, to ignore me or I would be annoyed.
Back to the present on the lounge and thankfully shaking the terrible taste of the past from my mouth and what to watch ordeal resolved. Soon the episode was over and with a full tummy I was sleepy, it has almost felt like a dream being back here, just like old times, strange how time goes by and things can feel just the same even though so much has changed. Now that the time of slumber had arrived, I was adamant that I would sleep on the couch (of course), which caused a big debate. As in the past I gave up to have some peace and ended up in his bed, which Candy couldn’t be happier about, why is she such a glutton for punishments? So, it gets worse for me, RK1 sweetly asks if he can cuddle me, so of course I sharply ask, “WHY?” and he convinces me with an excuse, about me stealing the covers but I know it’s a lame reason to avoid the truth. I am turned awkwardly to the outside of the room with his arms wrapped around me and him spooning me; it’s warm and comforting apart from the obvious total repression of my egos major ragging lust. It’s been about four months and all I can think of is the last time I was here in this bed, it was wild to say the least and one of the best memories. So I’m actually quivering all over and RK1 asks if I am cold while he is stroking my stomach and arms and I’m tensing trying to control my body, I admit I am not cold and spill my mind. Candy is in hysterics, teasing me for attempting restraint, how can she be so careless of the pain to follow, she feels it too. Arguing with her and willing myself to stop him, this is torture, so bitter sweet, in my head I’m screaming. Then he says “don’t worry, nothing will happen, I’ve slept with others girls”, (other girls? more than one?). My phone call earlier that year flashes before my eyes, me screaming at him to finally move on and sleep with someone else so I don’t want to be with him any more. Now I am so furious (so is Candy) and hurt, picture a crying baby, naked and alone in the rain and a huge dragon burning a village to ashes, somehow all at once in the same vessel. To my relief he rolls over and leaves me alone. That night I struggled to sleep.
© 2015 Cynthia Jauch